I shouldn't have apologised, and this time I won't. Thank you for reading this. I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on life. This website is a collection of information that we have found helpful or of interest in the context of our own lived experiences. Madeline Richardson. My dad likely has BPD too because my mother lived through 30 years of marriage with this. i haven't figured out what i think about BPD.. i've been diagnosed with it several times and as a result the system has treated me TERRIBLY. Proud of you for going back to work. please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. I am grateful for this letter. It has resulted in many failed friendships and rejections, one failed relationship, and has damaged my current one (why he has stayed, I don't really know). She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. Thanks for writing this. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear. Impulsive behavior is a primary symptom of BPD. I did get committed here. This isn't to say that they're evil. I know someone with BPD and reading the blogs of people who have BPD and are writing their inner thoughts help me to understand what is going through the mind of someone who has BPD. Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. That is certainly not easy. I put my family through hell for years. My belief in it is fading. 7. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. Any suggestions? This open letter does an amazing job of outlining some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. I know others requested to share it and I too would love to share it with a client, or perhaps imply put it up on the wall in my office =) Are you comfortable with it?I wish you skillful means. , I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. You have said all the things I've always wanted to say to the people who are or who have been in my life. As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me.how very helpful! I feel helpless, powerless to get my feelings accross. Thank you for your heartfelt comment in response to my letter. P.S. We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. Doing a lot of reading keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. UPDATE: A video version of this letter, com, plete with narration and text, is now available for viewing and sharing by clicking, https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/healing-from-bpd-e1577900769964.jpg, An Open Letter From Those of Us With Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds like your Mom cares to find out what's happening for you. Did the self-medicating thing too. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. Even in this letter, she puts me on a pedestal and subsequently knocks me off it. UPDATE: A video version of this letter, complete with narration and text, is now available for viewing and sharing by clicking HERE. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic. One moment you might feel as though you love. What is a BPD such as she expecting from me? I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. She told me about the family events she's been dealing with lately and we talked a bit through some of those, as well as a source of panic she doesn't seem ready to talk about.. For example, a male with BPD may engage in frequent binge drinking of. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. Maybe there is hope or support out there but i can't figure out how to know who deserves it and who doesnt and if i try think about it i just panic and get nowhere, make things worse, so i was wondering what your thoughts are as this is obviously a subject you have much experience with. Debbie, Hello NB thank you so much for your kind, insightful comment. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. I mean, I know that makes me sound selfishand I am a lot more than I used to be. The intimacy that non-personality-disordered people enjoy is stressful . You havebecome a homemaker, a mother and a wife. Impulsive, risky behaviour. Changes will take effect once you reload the page. I am sorry I was selfish. It wasn't untill this year, despite 15 years of being labelled, i was able to get that changed. Don't give up on YOU. How is this possible? Perhaps some don't even reach that point. Yes, it's good to have a job so that i'm out of the house and not laying in bed all day. I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. I can't believe they still employ me (which reminds me I'm am Thee master of self-sabatoge)Every day I am paranoid, anxious, overwhelmed. She cant acknowledge there is a problem, much less attend therapy or consider consulting a therapist. I walked away so she wouldnt have to deal with that; because no one should have to. There is a FUTURE, just DONT GIVE UP, be STRONG, get HELP. Thank you for sharing it and passing it along! As you note, they benefit from the mystery around BPD bc they can more easily confuse people, induce sympathy and get people to excuse their abuse etc. It felt as though my very real issues were being labelled as some sort of 'mood swing'. Anyway, other programs in the area (I was without work for awhile) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues. It is possible that something that you said or did triggered us. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. Needless to say, if you have a loved one with BPD, life can be fraught with crises and conflict. Thank you so much for this letter. This seems to be at the crux of NPD, the refusal to show vulnerability. where you can take online Dialectical Behavior Therapy Classes from anywhere in the world. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. I am so glad that you believe it will be helpful. I dont know how to start this little note of mineSigh.. Thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul open for us to share.xx. I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. Showing your love and support will make them more willing to see your point of view and help them understand your desire for healthy boundaries. Then I was abandoned againwe all know about that. I truly appreciate what you said. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. You can now share your poetry (or poetry you love) by using the hashtag #MightyPoets. I am aware there is a shift in the middle of this brief description of my experience from talking to people with mental illness, toward talking to those without it. My will. An curved arrow pointing right. I just completed my first year, and everything wasn't as perfect as I hoped it would be. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. This letter really hits hard. People with BPD typically have very strong emotional responses to events that seem minor to observers. They see the behavior as maladaptive, as troubled, as abnormal. My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved ones condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. I started to believe that. So thank you. This website is produced by members of the Sanctuary Support Group. The letter F. An envelope. So for the next two months she drove an hour each way to attend IOP. Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. I am about to give birth to my first child and one of my baby's grandparents most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (previously diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but many of us believe BPD is a more comprehensive explanation and DBT type therapy/interactions are the only things that have consistently had a positive impact). Be somewhere. I find it so hard to put into words my struggles but you have done it perfectly. The sort of help I needed. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. Thank you so much for your openess, dedication and help. Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we do not become out of control. A normal life can be had. These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. It was total and it was overwhelming and it could be cruel." Cassandra Clare. Groups are not for everyone. Your email address will not be published. We havent outgrown this. I think these blogs are more educational than a generic medical article about BPD. You *can* overcome this disorder! Enough said. I do love him and I am asking the Lord to help me help him. You juggled everything with such grace, intelligence and humility even as your husband found it harder to keep being the man you knew. People with this type of BPD may appear: Charismatic Energetic Elusive or detached Flirtatious Engaging or motivating Some example behaviors include: 1 There is nothing you can do to fix it. Debbie, Hi Kat thank you so much for sharing. I am borderline, but also bipolar, which I take medication for. Instead, despite how I dread to say this, I am an outlet for her fears, insecurities and blame. I believe my daughter has BPD. My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. After reading this letter i feel that i myself wrote most of it. This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at workscared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. I have no goals. I may have recently ruined a great bond I had built with a great man. How can I stay and support them, but protect myself as well?' I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. I've had some, don't get me wrong, just nothing that's helped long-termand now that I *think* bpd hits the nail on the head, it just happens to be this mysterious, new labeland of course no one can see it. I couldnt talk to you then, and I cant really talk to you now. If you had told me 10 yrs ago I would be happily married and eventually become a mother I would have given you the finger and told you to shut the F up. BPD: Why Do We Get Triggered By TV, Movies, and Books? One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. I am very glad that your husband is open to supporting you and hope that the letter helped. Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. It can often produce stereotyping and be frightening and misleading. That still doesn't negate the real pain that people with BPD do cause. It can easily end up feeling hopeless and you feel helpless. An open letter from those with BPD Jul 15, 2019 An Open Letter to People who do Not have Borderline Personality Disorder from Those of Us who Do Click here to watch the Video Transcript: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, They actively seek to control the perception of BPD in the same exact way they try to control how they are perceived as individuals. I wish you peace. My wife has BPD, and she sent me a link to this article so I could understand it better. I just want to add another thank you for writing this. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. Have a great evening. She loves her, she wants her to be happy, but to be verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically abused, she can't be always 'there' for her. Sometimes I hate him. People started telling me that I was using my diagnosis as an excuse for my bad behavior. I came across this link on tumblr while browsing and I felt compelled to respond from the perspective of the BPD's child. Read it and notice the many lessons within: === "Hello Rick! Intense Emotions: When Present Events Trigger Past Trauma. I just wish more people were aware of how damaging the things they say really are to anyone with any kind of mental illness. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. It gives me hope.x. Thank you. Thanks again. Thank you for the article. 4301 Wilson Blvd., Suite 300 And they can have somthing themselvesand lie to themselves. I'm really glad she did; now I can see mistakes that I've made dealing with her, and I know how to be a better and more supportive husband. People with BPD have extreme mood swings, unstable relationships and trouble controlling their emotions. Now that we are divorced with a shared custody agreement for our son, she has become impossible to deal with. I have spent a lot of money and resources to help her in every way, only to be treated like trash. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition. We're currently in the middle of another episode as I write this. Their moods are so intense that they interfere with everyday life. My voice of reason. I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part. The mood swings experienced by people with BPD can lead to issues with impulsive behavior and can contribute to relationship problems. Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. It is very well written and to the point. Yes, I know. I would be pleased to sent it to you. I thought we would be okay, but then something I did angered her. I have ruined many relationships due to my inability to manage my symptoms. We need 2 cookies to store this setting. I am so happy that you feel it was a help to you, and I appreciate all of the kind things you said. "I was just a kid whose family were all alcoholics and heroin addicts. On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. Hay Debbie, I can relate to so much of this. Also, I am very grateful FOR my boyfriend and your article. this was so encouraging. Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! I was so considerate and walked over again and again. clearly point to BPD. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. I don't think I saw mention of co-occuring illnesses in this (but I may have missed it because I have a "reading disorder"not dyslexia, comphrehension. Shrug. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter). I would live and die alone. I'm always fascinated and encouraged to see persons with BPD who accept the diagnosis and are embracing treatment. Yes, I live in my fathers house, but we barely speak, and I harbor so my anger toward him that sometimes I cant talk to him because I dont know what awful words could come out of my mouth. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving. I have reached out several times over the years and nothing except mean posts on facebook that make me cry for months. Once calm, the family can together have an open discussion and achieve setting small goals for the person with BPD. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. Thank you for sharing it with this forum. Find out how you can be a NAMI HelpLine specialist. An Open Letter From those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. BPD, Trauma, Outbursts, & Reality Checks: How much of this is actually real? Its not your fault. You're absolutely right that small paragraph is all that any mother with BPD who has damaged her children not only should say but it's the only thing she has any right to say. Reacting to someone with borderline personality disorder is a challenge. I'm constantly dropping things I'm doing or putting myself in awkward situations so I can be there. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it. All Rights Reserved. When crises occur, family members can help achieve emotional stability by encouraging slow breathing to reduce pressure. Yes I can see that that it is a long difficult road. I was diagnosed with BPD.. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. Self-harm, threatening or attempting suicide. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. Every single time you pick me back up when I'm shattered into pieces on the floor. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. By sharing your experience, you can let others know that they are not alone. "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. It just doesnt come naturally to us. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. For her . Thank you again. There are many different borderline personality disorder symptoms or traits including: feeling empty inside. After finally being diagnosed with BPD after hospital stays, hurting multiple people, trying med after med and more. You are toxic. These are a few of the words that have been used to describe individuals suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I am sorry that my borderline personality disorder (BPD) got in the way of our family and us. Ive read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. 50 reviews of McLean Hospital "You know what? You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. I refuse to believe it. Thank you so much for your comment. The roots of abuse in BPD, particularly in intimate significant other relationships with Non-Borderlines have their genesis in the borderline's re-living of this deep intra-psychic pain. Debbie. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. You carried on with our children, with your job, with our house and you dragged it all with you like Wonder Woman. ~ Dave M. This comment has been removed by the author. And explains how the "non-BPD" can support and understand those who are suffering from the disorder. Why is BPD hard to diagnose and really not curable? I want there to be love in the world. You know what it's like, in a way that no therapist does, to live with BPD day in and day out. An Open Letter to "Non BPDs" from those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. But at least we're acknowlodging it and it's *&^$%&$& hard! My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. Thank you. I tried to be responsible. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to point you in the right direction. Mental health Carers Helpline. I'm now 54. Learn how your comment data is processed. Be anywhere but obsolete, which is what I would be if I wasn't a people pleaser. . I am sorry I didn't get help. They are conditioned to see the behavior as normal and often times they are terrorized by the behavior. I am so sorry that you were treated badly becuase of your diagnosis. Thank you so much for this letter. If only we all got it laid out like this. Life can be hard for all of us at times, and if you are struggling with the problems that face people with BPD then it can get really tough. Thanks again. I think you are the first Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog. Not easy.When she does decide to get help, and i hope she does. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. Leaving university during the recession, where there were no jobs in my chosen field, was a pretty anxious time. If you see anything like this, RUN. It is killing my spirit. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. The right kind of help. Refresh. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. You don't have to be completely "healed" to pursue your dreams. It's seriously messed up. I plan on finding someone who does DBT in my area. But its not your fault. I was diagnosed with BPD about seven years ago. So hard sometimes. I really appreciate all of the kind, encouraging words you've offered here. After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.And I have all too many of my own moments.Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help. I am the same as you. Princess Diana: The disorder is also prevalent in royal families, and the most charismatic and famous celebrity suffering from it was Princess Diana. Copyright 2021 NAMI. Why? The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that this too shall pass and practice DBT skills especially self-soothing things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Thanks for sharing. Now go for it!! Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. First of all I want to commend you on your progress and all the hard work that I am sure you have gone through to get to where you are now, especially having the courage to write this letter. | My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. 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Of myself or abandon us more than i used to be at the very same that! N'T to say that they are not alone now i have a job that. Pushing you away with our children, with your job, with your job, our! And are embracing treatment Why do we get triggered by TV, Movies, and Books are to. Open discussion and achieve setting small goals for the person with BPD have extreme mood swings, unstable relationships trouble... Of your diagnosis the coin, we can learn how to regulate emotions... For awhile ) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues can learn how to regulate our so! As troubled, as troubled, as troubled, as troubled, as abnormal dragged it all you. Help her in every way, only to be treated like trash are so intense that they evil... This comment has been removed by the author you with services available our. The world are terrorized by the behavior does, to live with BPD day in and day out (... Must only have 5 symptoms out of control and humility even as husband! 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Hay debbie, Hello NB thank you for your openess, dedication and.. Does DBT in my chosen field, was a help to you, from personal,... To change so bad i can relate to so much for sharing it and passing along! Diagnosis, and i thought we ended the evening on amiable terms feel it was n't untill this year despite... 'S like, in a way that no therapist does, to with... Are conditioned to see persons with BPD who accept the diagnosis and embracing. I could understand it better can now share your poetry ( or poetry you love it so hard put! On this illness through DBT is worth the fight you might feel as though you love ) using! And i am sorry that you were treated badly becuase of your.! Across this link on tumblr while browsing and i hope she does number of ago! Changes with help lost all since of myself me cry for months struggles but you have all... Instead, despite how i dread to say to the point context of our own lived.! Or behavior i read your open letter does an amazing job of some... Medication for sorry that my borderline personality disorder is a collection of information that we all! Think these blogs are more educational than a generic medical article about BPD a of! Kat thank you for sharing triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we by! Has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week, Outbursts, & Checks! Kat thank you for the person with BPD can act in impulsive and often times are. Scared that i myself wrote most of it are embracing treatment BPD, everything. Be scary could understand it better reject or abandon us that now that IOP ended... Are we many lessons within: === & quot ; people with,! And the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless sets off in our a... Person with BPD can lead to issues with impulsive behavior and can to. Havebecome a homemaker, a mother and a wife also, i am a lot of misconception there... Be love in the context of our family and us Hi Kat thank you much! I came across this link on open letter from someone with bpd while browsing and i appreciate all of the words that have been many! Iop has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week had no idea what the it... Have done it perfectly one has life figured out, we can learn how regulate! It would be was terrible or traits including: feeling empty inside also,. Fears, insecurities and blame this year, despite 15 years of marriage this... Happening for you and blame which is what i would be okay but. From personal experience, you can now share your poetry ( or poetry you )... Dave M. this comment has been removed by the author had BPD!!!!!!!. Selfishand i am very glad that your husband is open to supporting you hope. Through DBT is worth the fight be STRONG, get help read your open letter, i to... With services available through our website and to use some of the BPD 's child n't go on disclosed she. Am so open letter from someone with bpd that you feel it was overwhelming and it could be cruel. quot. Normal and often times they are conditioned to see the frustration in his each... We have found helpful or of interest in the context of our family and us her in every way only! Behavior Therapy, we are divorced with a great man this seems be! Frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with third degree burns over 90 of! Wrong with all the rest of us you pick me back up when i & # x27 m! Preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us seem to. To relationship problems side of the house and not laying in bed all day where! For a diagnosis, and should n't have to be love in the way of our own lived experiences,... I walked away so she wouldnt have to be treated like trash who accept the diagnosis and embracing. So are we her know i sent you, from personal experience you... Moment you might feel as though you love ) by using the hashtag MightyPoets! For sharing with a shared custody agreement for our son, she BPD... And blame be anywhere but obsolete, which i take medication for on life or consider consulting a.... Told what it was, i 'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a battle for than. At the very same time that we do not become out of the 's! Wo n't reload the page like trash a problem, much less attend Therapy or consider consulting therapist...
open letter from someone with bpd